So, that Speech....

So, that speech.....

Let me say right off that I agreed with much of what Harrison Butker said. I even cheered audibly at much of it. But I had misgivings about some of his thoughts. I fully realize this was a graduation speech and not every point could be elaborated upon, but his words have been a sort of catalyst for some mind churning on my part: a need to thoughtfully flesh out what it means for a man to “step up” in a marriage. What does ‘responsibility’ and ‘duty’ look like concretely in a Catholic father who wishes his wife to be a stay at home mom? I have ruminated over this topic of family life long before Harrison Butker came upon the scene. So, this is just me articulating my thoughts on how the Catholic father’s role actually plays out in the particular day to day scenario? And is a husband willing to do what he needs to do in this scenario?

I do believe that a Catholic mother needs to stay home full time with her children, and to make that home a place of beauty and rest; a haven from the harsher qualities of the ‘world’ both for her husband and her children. I believe this whole heartedly. I have done it myself with enthusiasm. But there are, shall we say, caveats.

In order for a woman to feel comfortable with taking on that full time role in the home, a man needs to do certain things. If she is forever worried about the next paycheck coming in or about the stability of their house payments, or the quirky, sometimes expensive little hobbies her husband might have and be reluctant to give up, she will not be ‘all in’ as the calm, gentle, wise, and joyful presence she is called to be to her children and the man she loves. And for good reason. Just as she must make sacrifices to be that heart in the home, so must the husband make his sacrifices in order to make her vocation beautiful and able to be borne with confidence.

So, Catholic men. If you are looking to get married.....

Have you worked hard at learning a trade, or seriously put in time and energy studying to acquire the intellectual know how and experience needed for a marketable job which will support your family? Have you saved money? If you are going to ask your wife to stay home, you will need to show her that you are ready and able to support the family financially.

Have you studied your faith and worked on a spiritual life plan for yourself? If you are to be the spiritual head of your household, you need to actually acquire the knowledge and prayerfulness to do so. To be a leader, you need to know how to lead. Part of being a leader is asking other wise people for their input. The most important of these wise people is your wife. Are you willing to take her advice when you know she has a better understanding of the faith than you do? Is she confident that you know your faith well enough to put her trust in your decisions?

Are you a mature adult? Can you balance and stick to a budget? Could you be responsible for the finances if you had to be? Do you have expensive hobbies that take up time and money? Did you have credit card debt before you entered marriage? Have you talked to your future wife about this? Are you childish? Do you have adolescent habits - pout when you don't get your own way, or give your wife the silent treatment and call it fatherly authority and not simply wounded pride?

Can you converse with others and actually have something to say? Can you hold your own in a group of both women and men, discussing intelligently together and not slink off to the strutting 'man talk' in the corner? Are you proud of your wife - not because she honors just YOU, but because of who she is and all the efforts she puts in for the family and how beautifully and creatively she decorates your home with her ingenuity even if you are not rich?

Do you have expensive taste in clothes? (we can't ALL have those 1000.00 suits that walk off the plane over and over on Harrison Butker). Are you willing to live simply and even poorly if you are asked to do so with a single income? Think about that. Harrison Butker is wealthy. Hardly any Catholic family with a stay at home mom is wealthy. He really should not be your financial or cultural role model. Do you have a realistic understanding of what your life will be like, or look like?

Are you willing to chip in when your wife needs you? Change diapers? Hold children? Watch the kids by yourself if your wife needs a break? Cook if you have to? Do you think of this as "woman's work"? Do you judge her as being a lesser "proverbs woman" because she is exhausted, distracted, and trying to keep the home fires burning with two toddlers dancing around her and the newborn asking to be fed while you demand dinner on the table? I have seen men do this - shame their wife as a lesser citizen because she didn't have his lunch ready, and my blood has boiled, alas. Do you honestly believe she is there to serve you and not the other way around as well?

Can you afford life insurance? So, that if something happens to you, she will be provided for while she comes up with a plan to live as a single parent?

Are you willing to set aside some money in the budget to give your wife an afternoon off to herself. To have adult conversations with friends, walk in nature to recharge, pursue something intellectually, or spend time alone with the Blessed Sacrament? Would you be willing to do this for her?

Will you be there for your boys as they get older? Will you be able to sit down with your daughters and make them feel they have as much of your attention as the boys? That they are smart, capable?

These are all things my own husband has done for me and for my kids. He has always honored my mind, my opinion, my cooking, my talents. But he has also understood my fatigue, why the house wasn't all picked up when he got home from work, and he never considered anything 'woman's work'. Because of this, I have been able to be a stay at home mom without worry, or having that uneasy feeling of instability, or undue judgement that I wasn't doing everything to perfection. We worked things out.

It is all well and good to declare that all mothers should stay home with their children and also be full time homemakers. But the husband needs to provide the stability for that to happen. He needs to start preparing himself long before he gets married. Spiritually, financially, emotionally.

These are just some thoughts. We all probably agree or disagree about different things Harrison Butker said.

But his talk has raised the all important question in my mind: will the MAN be ready when he asks a woman to marry him and become a stay at home wife and mother?

I do not feel inclined at this time to have a paid substack. But if we were together in a cafe discussing all these thoughts, I would not be opposed to you buying me a cup of coffee - with cream, of course. In that spirit, if any of my posts resonate with you and you feel so inclined, you can donate here: buymeacoffee.com/denise_trull