Too Many Seeds In the Pot

It occurs to me that I err on the side of abundance....

I planted some Sweet William seeds about two months ago. I sprinkled a few on the dirt and then had second thoughts and added some more.... and then more. They were so small. Surely I needed more. When they started sprouting they began to overflow the pot and twine around one another. I have not yet had any blossoms. I wonder if the blossoms won't come because of the overabundance in the pot. Maybe this is a phenomenon I have never considered. Sometimes growth cannot happen in an overcrowded pot.

This Christmas has become a study of just that thought. I always err on the side of too much instead of just enough or too little. I always have an abundance of food at parties, for instance. I like to give over and above - its in my DNA I suppose. I am not always controlled and self contained or just enough. I have a penchant for ivy taking over a yard, fruit piled high in the bowl, as many presents as I can manage to muster under a tree - abundance. I could never be Japanese although I respect and love their art. I just have this overpowering desire to see those Bonsai trees break loose of their controlled growth once in a while and expand all over a hill. Burgeoning is a good word for it.

This year we have had to be very careful with our finances. We are far from destitute and are quite okay really compared to so many others. But we can only do the necessities for a while. The rent, food, utilities. It's been good. It is rather freeing not to dip into superfluity. I have learned a lot about frugal living and that is good.

But Christmas was looming and we could not buy presents or extra goodies like I usually did. I could not shop or wrap or prepare as much as I was used to. I felt at first like a failure. No abundance, no presents, no expensive candy or booze. Would it even be Christmas without these things? I was out of sync, out of abundance mode and I was sad that I could not give the abundance but could only receive it from others. But that has turned into a gift.

My kids, to a man, do not care if I have presents for them. They are all minimalists. How I gave birth to minimalists is one of the great mysteries of life. But there it is.

My kids just wanted to come home. They just wanted to hear the clock in the living room chime in that old familiar way. They wanted to sit on the sofa and talk. They subtly went out and bought some great coffee, a few groceries, and a great bottle of Gin and unobtrusively put them all in the cupboard. I had nothing to give them, but I suddenly understood the joy of receiving from those whom I could not this year give back to in just the way I would love to do. I at first felt so helpless - the MOM should provide, should shower with abundance, should make the season magical with it all.

The season IS magical. Still. without my usual efforts. I have slowly settled into contentment that for this year it just must be so and my kids didn't even skip a beat.

It is a lesson in poverty, really. Spiritual poverty before God. I finally understand it just a wee bit more. He doesn't mind our lack, even though WE do. He seeks it. We have no abundance to give him on our harder days. We wish we did, but we are flawed beyond all telling. We hang our heads. We are embarrassed before him.

But he fills up the cupboards, so to speak, without us even noticing. Grace seeps in there among the empty shelves of our poverty and we hardly notice. Confession. Communion. The Rosary. The Mass. Subtle, simple, powerful. And the larder is full.

Pulling back the abundance. Pulling back the over shoot. Pulling back the equating of motherhood with providing material possessions and overabundant joy. Too many seeds for the pot.

With a more simple Christmas, flowers are already starting to grow. Letting other people give to you in your poverty is a lovely thing. Discovering that love and familiar surroundings of childhood is all they want. And chiming clocks. And coffee. And conversation.

Breathe deep. You are their mother. They just want to hug you and be with you. That seems to be enough in the end. My gratitude is the most abundant thing I can give this year and I give it freely. What a beautiful thing to discover anew, and to relax into humble need that I may be filled.