Paul in the Doldrums

It is quite poignant to read the first reading today for Luke’s feast. We get a glimpse of St. Paul that we rarely get. He seems tired, and rather out of sorts. But most of all sad - and a bit discouraged - maybe a lot discouraged. It’s just so striking to see him this way. I thank God always that this reading made it into the inspired books.

We find Paul writing to Timothy at a window perhaps. Maybe Luke offered to be his scribe - just to give him a rest.

He speaks of Demas, who simply abandoned him being “enamored of the present world” - maybe Demas was tired as well, or maybe he just left without a word or explanation. People do that. Friendships die and we never know why sometimes. You can feel Paul’s sadness permeate the page. This “all in” kind of man who simply cannot understand ‘wafflers’ of any kind. It gives me consolation to know that he too felt this bit of resentment. It makes him so much more lovable.

Next, he just seems to be going down the list of things that need to happen. There are no glorious words, here, like in other parts of his letters. You get the feeling that he is just ‘pushing through’ which you have to do a lot in the journey of faith.

Paul is writing to Timothy. Timothy, who knows him so well and with whom he can be honest and rant just a bit. You can tell Paul misses him and wishes he were sitting next to him. For it’s Timothy who knows where his favorite cloak is, Timothy who knows which parchments he needs. We all need our Timothys to get through to the other side of the doldrums. Sometimes they will need to be there in spirit only and we must accept that too.

Paul is rankled, lamenting the dangerous disturbance caused by the pesky Alexander the coppersmith - we all have our occasional nemeses as well. Alexander made things harder by his rash, resistent speeches against Paul’s careful teaching and preaching. Paul is going to have to fix that damage somehow. We know his frustration. We can almost hear him sigh and know what is in that sigh. We have all had our plans toppled by the envious or the angry at one time or another.

Then we get to the end of the reading. Paul’s first defense. “no one appeared on my behalf, but everyone deserted me”. Gah! These words are filled with a kind of mystified incredulity - just for the space of a moment, mind you, because he is St. Paul. WE would have spent more time in the mystified incredulity stage when a supposed friend just cuts us loose after taking what they want and then just abandoning us.

But this is Paul rising to his full spiritual height, albeit slower now. He goes straight to Him in Whom He has believed. He ends strong.

Paul realizes that tired as he is, discouraged, hurt, saddened by those who just left him in the dust - all the things we feel as we travel to the Father on the harder roads - the Lord did not abandon him. And he did not abandon him because he was chosen to proclaim Jesus to the gentiles. This was his chosen vocation. And he catches himself up, ends his letter and probably gets up from the table, puts on his sandals, sighs a big one, and gets on with life again. Perhaps kind Luke gives him a helping hand to rise.

It’s not glamorous, it’s not all glory and achievement, being a disciple of Jesus. Sometimes it’s a slog, sometimes our hearts are broken by careless people, sometimes no one listens, sometimes we get abandoned at the most inopportune time. BUT God will always be there.

Even Paul knew these doldrums - these aches of loss - I find this strangely comforting. And in the end, Luke was there. Faithful, quiet Luke, giving him courage. May we all find our Lukes and our kind Timothys. I pray for that today.

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